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e’re drowning in information today, and as Sturgeon Law puts it, 90% of it is crap. Unfortunately many of us get lost in this trash content that we find pleasing, but offers no other true value.

TV, smartphones, and media in general has transformed into a hype machine for the mundane and irrelevant. Your Facebook stream is a great example of it, where post after post on your feed is another article about some AMAZING new thing you have to check out NOW.

The truth is, most online content we consume is utterly useless. If you’d like to contribute to the mayhem, check out these 9 SECRETS to content creation that will get you all the clicks you could ever desire!

1. THIS VIDEO WILL MAKE YOUR HEART BREAK INTO MILLIONS OF PIECES

Headlines must be overly dramatic, no matter what the subject matter is. Upworthy has mastered this, but at least their stuff is actually inspiring.

2. Use

3. Lots

4. Of

5. LISTS

Enough said.

6. Use Animated GIFs To Convey Emotions Or Reactions

Happiness

Sadness

Heartbreak

Applause

And so on. Because using words is hard.

7. Keep It Short

Our attention spans are getting shorter and shorter. I don’t even expect you to finish this sentence.

8. Quizzes & Surveys Are King

Want to know what Game Of Thrones Character You Are? What about playing the hardest game of Would You Rather?

Who could resist checking those links out??

9. Chase Current Events/News

Whats the latest gossip? What color was that dress? What did Kimye say? What’s happening now is what’s important, who needs timeless, well thought out content anyways?

Now go forth with your new found knowledge and contribute to the mass media machine. Or maybe don’t.

Disclaimer: this is a sarcastic piece, please don’t actually use these principles in your writing. Please.