I moved to New York in 2018 and immediately fell in love. I always heard how being in the right cities can impact your success, but never really bought into the idea. Why would a city matter anyway? But walking those streets the first few weeks, you feel this energy, this need to create that inspires action. And that’s when I finally understood.
But there’s also a downside of this manic energy that everyone is trying to harness – everyone is trying to harness it. Everyone is doing something. That in itself is ok, but naturally, you begin to measure yourself against your peers and that’s where the trouble begins. New York is filled with individuals with a hunger to do great things and it’s easy to get caught up in the hype cycle of what that looks like.
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This kind of talent is all around you, wrapping you up, and seeping into your every thought. Add in the pervasiveness of social media and how anyone can essentially manufacture the perfect life, and it can be a lot of noise to navigate. It’s no surprise that you find yourself comparing to those lofty standards, wanting the same recognition, applause, and success. And before you realize it, you’re caught up in the status game.
In-groups and Out-groups
There is this constant game we play between individuals and groups. We try to be smarter or stronger or wiser or funnier. We’re always striving to outdo the other. This is the status game.
To allow us to have these comparisons and play these games, every group or individual requires an in-group to compare to an out-group. The in-group is what you wish to be, what you’re seeking. The out-group is everyone else, what you don’t perceive as successful. It’s about belonging and not belonging, being seen as part of a group or outside of it.
You can’t have this comparison without these two groups, as you have no basis to measure yourself against. It is how one knows or rather justifies their positioning. And so we play this game. Always chasing the in-group and the perceived status and recognition that it supposedly comes with.
The Real World…
This game plays out everywhere. In office corridors where titles define worth, on social media where likes are a currency of value, and in the silent judgment we pass on the streets based on attire and accessories and brand names. We are all playing the status game, consciously or not.
There’s nothing wrong with striving for more, climbing the social ladder, or seeking to be better, but it comes with a cost. While it provides a fleeting sense of accomplishment and even superiority, it also bounds us to an endless cycle of comparison. And the truth is, comparison is the thief of joy.
The bigger problem is how many of us play this game unconsciously, without realizing it. I say this because I feel like we would change our tune if we understood the why of how we act and behave in this context. If we questioned it, could we find ourselves thinking differently? Could we find joy and contentment within? Could we overlook the need for external validations and comparisons?
I believe we could. Not only that, we would realize that as much as we antagonize, compare, and pit ourselves against one another, there is an innate interdependence of all groups and individuals. We are not so different as we all think. The reality is, that without the so-called out-group, the in-group loses its context. This is a refreshing way to think about this dynamic.
For example, let’s say a startup turns into a unicorn and is sold for a billion dollars. That in a silo is impressive. It’s more impressive if we know that thousands of startups fail within five years or that a typical exit is somewhere in the 5 to 10-million-dollar range. But if that information, that comparison, that out-group does not exist. If it’s not there. Then does it even matter?
The fact is, all these groups are mutually dependent, you can’t have the in-group without the out-group. They need each other, and in a way, despite how we try to make them different, they’re all the same. Striving for greatness together not against one another. It’s just that they achieve that greatness to varying degrees.
This is to say, we shouldn’t be doing the right things for the wrong reasons. The point isn’t to top the other person or beat the other guy. The value of our work, our being, doesn’t come from towering over an imagined competitor but from the authenticity of our creation.
In the end, I learned I simply wish to create in my way, no matter the outcome. I don’t need to chase the external applause, but rather the internal peace. I don’t need to create my in-groups or out-groups to measure against but instead accept the path I’m on.
The status game is seductive, it’s true. But the real victory, I found, lies not in outshining others but in finding worth in oneself without comparison. The city, with all its ambitions and comparisons, still stretches for the stars, but I’ve learned to find joy in the simple act of reaching, regardless of the outcome.